porn flakes: what moms are having for brunch
11 Mar
I had brunch the other day with a group of moms. I was a bit nervous as I walked into this beautifully renovated bungalow in my Atlanta neighborhood, with the Southern front porch, hardwood floors, and sunlit playroom. I barely know the moms here, usually just waving hi on the morning drop-off to school. I knew the preschool topic would come up, and I was afraid to admit I haven’t signed my son up for Pre-K yet.
Preschool here is like getting tickets to I don’t know, Madonna, or something. The spots sell out fast, and you’re lucky if you get a seat in the nosebleed section right next to the men’s bathroom. Anyway, that’s what was on my mind this morning when Holden and I stepped into the kitchen where 10 or so moms were sipping coffee and giggling. As I took off my coat and peeled my shy son off of my leg, I noticed their voices lowering a bit. Dangit. They’re on to me and my slacker mom ways! They can read my mind, these Atlanta moms! But then I actually heard what they were saying and realized they were just talking about porn.
Oh, thank God, I thought. They’re porn-friendly moms. Now I can relax and enjoy my third cup of coffee.
The porn talk started innocently enough with the topic of bath time and how old is too old to have your kids bathe together, which then led to kids’ candid comments about their private parts, “pee-pee’s,” or as one witty mom put it, “the squid and the whale…” The squid and the whale joke then led to a few quips about grown-up private parts and how most women could really give a squirt when it comes to the squid. As one mom put it, most women would rather see a man clean the dishes than see his penis.
Now, this is much better talk than the preschool babble. I was ready to join the conversation, but before I could add, “well, I wouldn’t mind seeing the squid if it belonged to Jimmy Page and it was 1972,” they were on to the next topic: school bus stops. Oh well, that was fun while it lasted.
As you can imagine, since this brunch date I’ve done nothing but think of porn and what it would look like if women had more say in it, so I googled porn for women. Don’t judge. There’s a whole lotta typical Playgirl-type stuff out there that’s just not my thing, but I did find a few noteworthy sites.
Atlanta blogger Kristen Chase, aka, the Mominatrix has a great blog and podcast to help mamas get back in the sack after having a baby. Her website and book are definitely worth checking out. There’s also a whole series of humor books with a ‘porn for women’ theme that may actually do the trick. There’s Porn for New Moms, a real page turner full of hot guys doing household chores and baby caretaking, Porn for Women of a Certain Age, and the hilariously titled “You Get More Beautiful Every Time I Look at You” Journal. Now, we’re talkin.’ Sounds way better than Playgirl.
So, what is your idea of porn? The old-fashioned variety or something more like,
Your man doing the dishes and diaper changes?
Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon?
A Milanese model via The Satorialist?
That baby face dude from Friendly Fires?
Like many women, my idea of porn is definitely not close-up shots of the squid in action. I’d much rather watch live Led Zeppelin videos. Of course, I have to avert my eyes at the wardrobe choices of these mega talents. I’m sure that red velvet dragon pants were off the charts sexy back in the day, and Lord knows if anyone can pull off a look like that it’s Jimmy Page. However, this picture of Mr. Page reading Your 1969 Horoscope? Totally hot.
Hey! Nice to “meet” you.
I’ve moved from Michael Vartan to Ryan Reynolds, and find it oddly upseting but yet deeply satisfying that I can watch a PG-13 or R rated movie with him in it and enjoy it as much as well, porn.
Apparently I’m not that hard to please.
Ah, Vaughn from Alias! Forgot about him. He’s a good one.
When I lived in Austin I went to a screening of Ladyporn, which was a documentary about an attempt to make a porno that appealed to women. The documentary itself was fine, but the actual porno they made was AWFUL. Better luck next time?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0304314/
Personally, at less than 7 weeks postpartum, the only thing that gets me excited is the idea of more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep.
Ladyporn is a great band name! Think anyone’s taken it?
And, we’ll give you a few more weeks (or months) to get that lovin’ feelin’ back:)
I still really enjoy seeing Daniel Craig naked & fastened to a chair while being tortured in Casino Royal. I’m not a sadist. I just really appreciate the beauty of his godlike body. I could go into more detail but I should stop here just in case my husband should ever read this.
Well I’m a single mom, so the idea of a man making a school lunch for my kids or helping with homework is pretty much porn for me.
That and the Daniel Craig thing…
Isn’t Daniel Craig that old dude from James Bond? Interesting, but not surprising coming from Corrie:)
Tina, however, I kinda figured you for the younger type, like, I don’t know, the Friendly Fires guy? And, I totally agree on the school lunch thing. Domestic duties are pretty hot…
I forgot to throw in Melissa’s fav, Harrison Ford ala Indiana Jones. Maybe I need to do a part two of this post!
i do love me some Indy.
Does the Design Within Reach catalog count as porn? Or maybe Anthropologie…
As far as actual men are concerned, I’m voting for Gael Garcia Bernal or as of recently, Adrian Brody. The husband is convinced women like him b/c his nose is so large, it resembles a penis, but I think it’s his sad eyes that invoke that maternal nurturing instinct, though obviously in a devious way.
That’s hilarious about Brody. I’m pretty sure penis noses are not what women are after, but we can let Bobby go on thinking that if it makes him feel better:)
There’s an Anthropologie at the mall in Atlanta. My jaw dropped upon this finding, because you know, we’re used to Pac Suns and Old Navys at our malls…
I would have to say that Daniel Craig is the best James Bond of all times.-.*
i think that Daniel Craig is only second to Pierce Brosnan when playing the role of James Bond,,,